Goodwill

Since I am no longer what one would call a "normal" teacher, one thing I do not get to do is go on field trips. You know, getting to travel to places you would not go otherwise, and bringing along a pluthera of very excited children and their sack lunches.

**Small side story (you are used to these tangents if you have ever talked to me AT ALL)---as a child, I, of course LIVED for field trips. My most memorable one was in first grade when my class went to Rawhide. Where else can you pan for gravel that has been spray painted gold?? Anyway, the reason I remember this trip so vividly is because of a kid in my class, Jonathan. He was know for being a very preppy first grader. Yes, we are talking clothes that looked like they were meant for dads, just put into a shrinky-dink machine so they would fit his boyish frame. Jonathan had chosen to wear a very thick and billowy black and white embroidered sweater to RAWHIDE. In the desert. In the hot sun. Not sure if he missed the field trip attire memo: Ragged T-shirt, black bike shorts and a neon fanny pack. That's really all you need. Soon into the trip he got super pale and ended up vomiting all over himself. This somehow was important enough to me that I wrote about it in my diary that night! Smelled like vomit the whole way home. I'm almost vomiting just thinking about it.

Back to the point of this story: Tyler and I took a field trip to Goodwill yesterday. We are having our small group Christmas party on Thursday, and of course we are doing the "tacky Christmas sweater" theme. I walk in and am instantly hit by the aroma of library, mustiness and feet. Not a great combo. Mind you it was already a mildly aggravating day at work. So Tyler and I each make our way to the respective departments to search for our ugly clothes. While I found an abundance of 3-D Halloween sweaters (you know, the kind the require a 9 volt battery or an extension cord to operate), there were no super tacky Christmas sweaters. Probably because everyone and their moms are having the same kind of parties! So Tyler got some embroidered one, pretty much the grown up version of the one Jonathan vomited in at Rawhide. For me, it was between two pretty ugly ones, but the grossest of the two had an added tacky bonus---it was completely covered in some sort of animal hair. Aren't you supposed to wash things when you bring them to Goodwill? They didn't have a comment card for me to fill out, so I suppressed my dry heaves and bought it.

We had one more item on our shopping list: a gift for the White Elephant gift exchange. What better place to get a unique, and somewhat scary gift? We found it right away. It's about 3 feet tall, and we're 99.9% sure it is a mountable bird bath, perhaps used in the Civil War. It's very ornate and is gold. Well, a lot of the gold has flaked off, and it might be lead-based paint. Which would make it a "killer" bird feeder. To round out the gift, we purchased a "Blue Christmas" vinyl record for a dollar. Then the receiver would be able to listen to festive holiday tunes as he or she watches birds meet their maker. It's more of an experience than a gift, really.

While it was a bit of a "Debbie Downer" trip, overall Tyler and I had a good time. Cheap date night!

On my Christmas List

In the past few weeks, I realize that I have left some very important things off my Christmas list. Here they are:

-Barbie Unicorn Princess. I realize this toy may in fact give me nightmares but it's worth the risk and potential therapy bills.

-Whoever wrote the last episode of The Office, that featured this Unicorn doll, I would like to have these writers meet me for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. I would tape the entire conversation, because I've decided this group of writers may in fact be the funniest group of people I will ever meet. At the end of the conversation, I will get out my planner and ask them the frequency in which they would like to hang out with me.

-I would like a DVD of the Kraft-sponsored made for TV movie "The Misfit Toy". This movie may have been made in 1989 and viewed by around 28 people total, my sister and I being two of those 28. I would want all the Kraft commercials that aired during the movie to be included in this DVD, along with commentary from the main characters (a stuffed lion, a ballerina, and about 100 plastic army men. I would settle for the front line of army men, if all of them cannot be reached.)

-I would like the VHS copy of when I played Mary in the Joy Christmas production, featuring when I scooted off the octagonal platform and fell off the stage while holding the baby Jesus (thankfully, it was only a doll). I would also like to talk with whoever was the director of this production and demand she tell me how a metal folding chair would have been created and present in Bethlehem during Bible times. I thought wood, straw and cotton were the main materials of choice during that time era, also donkey hair. Had I been sitting on a cloth pillow with donkey hair fringe, I doubt I would have scooted off the stage and caused such a spectacle.

You still have some shopping days left! Best of luck!

Dolphin Drama

Who does not love the movie "Pretty Woman"?!?! Seriously. You all should. And have a lot of the lines memorized.

I know there are a select few of you out there who are smirking and saying to yourself "I hate that movie!" There are three possible options for your response:

1- You are lying to yourself. You know you have seen it one on of those Julia Roberts TBS marathons and you secretly love it when the store clerks finally let her shop.
2- Somehow, whether living under a rock or being very busy, you ahve missed seeing this movie altogether. For you, one word: NETFLIX.
3- You are one of the 100 people in the world who genuinely do not like this movie. For you, I inwardly sob and forgive you. You should also probably just watch it again.

So. Back to why I brought this movie up in the first place. One fo the best scenes in this movie is when Julia Roberts has money from Richard Gere to buy a cocktail dress and she goes into a store filled with eviiiiiiiiil and grumpy clerks who will not let her shop there. One of the classic quotes in this scene comes from one of the clerks who gives Julia Roberts the "once-over" and says in an ice queen voice, "I don't think we have anything for you." Gives me shivers just thinking about it!

I thought this was a purely fictional scenario, until my sister and I experienced something similar at the mall on Black Friday. Megan needed to get a present for one of the girls she disciples---some sort of dolphin jewelery. This was an inside joke between the two of them, and Meg and I thought it would be pretty simple to find. So we head into the Icing store. For those of you boys who are out of touch, the Icing is NOT a bakery, but a teenybopper jewelery store. Everything in it is plastic or metal and none of it tastes remotely like a baked good.

We go in and Megan asks one of the employees if they have any dolphin jewelery. Rather than politely saying "no", this woman and one of her henchwomen decide to be snotty! The woman gets this astounded look on her face and looks over at her co-worker. "Dolphins?! Um, no, we don't have anything like that here. Right?" #2 wholeheartedly agrees with her and adds, "Yea, we haven't carried dolphins for at least 2 or 3 years......" Then the two go on to list about 4-6 SADSACK stores that we should probably try if we are to find any of this alleged dolphin jewelery. Both Megan and I walked out of their with out tails between our legs feeling like tools. I honestly felt like Julia must have felt!

There was also a Claire's in the same mall, so we went in there prepared to add that the dolphin jewelery was for an inside joke. We were definitely expecting the worst, especially since the two stores are stinking identical except for the name. Amazingly, the people there were soooo nice and they TOTALLY had dolphin stuff in there!

(Seriously, even if I had gone in there asking for a large Cystal Brooch in the shape of a T-Rex, a smart store clerk would show me the dang brooch for the sake of making a sale!)

Like most girls, Megan and I felt an immediate allegiance to Claire's and wanted to confide in them about the snotty employees from the Icing. Turns out, the stores ARE owned by the same company, so in some sort of weird way the Icing DOES sell dolphin jewelery! SO THERE!

Unfortunately, Megan and I did not go back into the offending and give them a taste of their own medicine like Julia does in the movie. We probably got hungry.